God does have a plan

God's plan is larger than we can imagine and our part, that may seem so small to us plays a major part in every persons' future. We don't get to see the entire road map of our life, but we can see the turns we have already made in our life. We may never understand the detours, but we will use faith to keep on keeping on. I have seen a glimpse of the bigger plan God has for me and I thank him for leading me to others for guidance, spiritual support and helpful hearts and hands.

I Peter 4:10 As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

Lord of all abundance and generosity, thank You for the gifts that You have entrusted to my care. Generate in me the joy to manage and use them so that many will be blessed with the love of Christ. Amen (Portals of Prayer Jan-Mar 2011)(3/26)

The Day My World Stood Still....

The first day of the rest of my life begin September 29, 2009 when my beloved husband drove his John Deere tractor to heaven.

 

As usual he helped a neighbor around eight o’clock, drove me to the doctor around ten o’clock, ate lunch with me around noon, sat for a few minutes and then headed out about four o’clock to ride the John Deere around cutting down the fields. I heard the tractor pass by the front of the cottage just after four, then the motor noise changed and I knew it was not right. I went to the porch and looked down the road just about 10 yards where the tractor was turned into the bank and wheels spinning round and round, he sat tilted slightly to the right as if looking at something ahead. It took only a few seconds for me to realize something was very wrong and I raced to the tractor climbed the steps and took hold of his face in both hands looking into his blue eyes staring ahead.

 

I said, as I looked up pleadingly, “I know you can see me and I would really appreciate it if you would come back to me... Oh, Honey... As I held his face and looked at those blue eyes looking straight ahead I didn’t realize how my life was going to turn upside down.

 

My stepson’s truck came at that moment and he knew instinctively what was happening and said, “Oh No!”

 

My stepson tried to revive his father on the tractor until I suggested we move him to the ground. With a cast from my wrist to elbow we struggled to move this strong loving man from his John Deere as his pants pockets and hammer strap caught on the control levers. One final lift, a tug and my love was free now gently lying on the ground next to his favorite machine which was silent. As my stepson and & tried desperately to revive my love by pumping on his chest and blowing one more breath into his lungs; we prayed the Lord's Prayer and looked for a spark of life to return to those blue eyes. Looking for just a blink... just one blink... but none came.

 

I asked God, "Please return him to me." And added," I understand how hard he worked all his life and if this now was his reward to be with Him in heaven than I understand. Not happy about it, but I understand."

 

My calls to 911 and my neighbors brought disbelief,"You are joking!...I cannot believe it! They said. The ambulance turning in our driveway about four forty five or so minutes later proved that this was real. Then they came, the neighbors and friend, to stand by me, as the new people tried to find a pulse...a blink... any small sign that life was in this gentle heart still, but there was none.

 

I do not remember the ride in the ambulance to the hospital as I sat in the front with the driver. It was well after five o'clock now. We were separated for the first time in many years at the hospital. I found my church friends number and called for help, he did not believe I was serious either (Why would I joke about something so serious?), but he called the pastor for me.  

I was allowed to see my sweetie, now with eyes closed, laying on a gurney in a small room with curtains pulled around. I held his face in my hands and kissed him gently knowing that these were the last moments in my life that I would ever see and touch my love, my friend, my partner, my joy, my husband, my teacher. As others came to give support and prayers things turned to a fog as reality ceased to exist in this place, this moment. Then the time to say my final goodbye forever came and I placed one last kiss on his cold brow. I do not remember much the ride home to the cottage, as I sat in the back seat like a stranger in an unfamiliar place. I do not remember if I slept or if I was hungry. It was a bad dream; No a nightmare that I could not wake up from.

 

End part I

 

******

 

 

Life was upside down, the cottage was not finished (by a long shot),  lots of 2x4’s,  insulation, and a little dry wall waiting for hands with hammers to continue. People were calling; my daughter was heading up by car from FL, mom flying up also, my sister and her husband driving down from MI,  in-laws flying over and driving down from Northern MI & WA. The fog had not lifted in my mind, but it actually had gotten thicker and I felt my slow motion set in again. I expected to wake up from this dream any moment. I wanted that moment right now! I wanted to wake up, this was wrong... this could not happen... he was not sick... we just got home...we had so much to do...so many plans...we were not done living!

 

I sat quiet in his favorite recliner as the action around me moved slowly as a virtual movie going on all around me but I was not part of it. I could see people two or three together talking, but could not focus in on their words; they were not real to me.  The French doors were open behind me and conversations on the deck were just a background noise- nothing discernable.

 

I felt a chill as I sat in the crowd alone in his chair- at that moment the blanket laying over top of the chair blew over my shoulders.  I touched my shoulder and said," Thank you."As I turned no one was behind me.  The groups were still talking, engaged in their conversations.  I knew he was here, he did not leave me, he is here with me-  Death did not do us part!

 

End Part II

 

*********

 

 

The days that followed became a quest to find my purpose in life. My best friend, partner, sole mate, protector, teacher and true love was gone... in just a moment of time and the weight of this loss squeezed all the air from my lungs and shot a hole through my heart. I was in a state of confusion, with amazement, and bewilderment...I was frightened. I had to allow God to refill my sails and continue on. 

 

A few years back, when my sweetie had double knee replacement surgery, he went for therapy with our daughter and I was dropped at the dentist. Just the word "dentist" is terrifying to me. A simple trip to the dentist turned out to be an extraction with complications. I was alone in the chair with two people getting ready to remove this tooth that was crumbling and I was afraid. Alone, I wanted to say," STOP...CANNOT DO THIS!" I wanted my sweetie with me right there but he was not there.

 

When everything was completed I waited in the silence of the empty waiting room until the truck pulled up. I was so glad to see my sweetie and I said, " I NEVER want to be alone like that again!" It was so awful- a real nightmare with out him. Now my nightmare IS real: No waking up- No going back- It was over- just like that.

 

As I looked back on my life, I found collections of experiences that make sense to me now.  Life is school and I am constantly learning. The challenge is to take what you have learned and put a positive spin on it.   I experienced a natural event, which others in every walk of life, in every country around the world share, and it was the start of a new life path. I was directed to Psalm 16:

 

Those who have the Lord have the source of all good things, even everlasting life. We who are in Christ have been set at God’s right hand, where we can never be removed. I pray Lord, keep us in your presence throughout our early pilgrimage, that we may come to the fullness of your joy in heaven; through Jesus Christ, our resurrected Lord. Amen. (The New Lutheran Study Bible)

 

End Part III

 

 

My church family provided the blessings in the form of a group of widows called NBC: Not By Choice. I was not immediately fond of asking for help until I was more aware of my situation. Eventually, I joined this group and found I was not crazy and definitely not alone. I found, to my amazement, that I was "normal" for a widow.

 

We each have our story- all slightly different- but the end result was the same. We were now faced with a new life before us that was not our choice.  How we survive depends on how we develop our new life story. I found with God all things are possible- not easy, but possible.

 

In March 2010, I was walking around like the weight of our big red barn was on my shoulders.  Perhaps my knuckles were scratched from dragging them on the ground. At the advice of my daughter I stepped outside "the box" for three days and flew to Florida- no sense spending my birthday alone.  I wore my favorite "happy" cloths: a long sleeve brown blouse with a brown western scarf tie, blue jeans, fancy cowboy boots, beautiful leather fringe vest, and my black cowboy hat with a special band. My husband found this for me as it had crosses on it- he really knew me without trying . This was my favorite outfit for our trips to Utah .

 

From the farm in Tennessee to the sands of Florida, in those few days I was able to view my situation more clearly. I stood upright and got my nails painted. Flying home with a lighter heart, a clear mind and an “I can do it spirit”. Who cares if no one wanted to hire an older woman with to much experience? I would manage by the Grace of God! The same farm with the same challenges was still there, but I was in a better place of acceptance for this new path. I stepped outside my situation and made an assessment to get a plan.

 

End Part IV

 

   

After my return from Florida, March 2010 I was speaking to my mom on the phone, April 27, 2010. She told me of a young lady that was overwhelmed by life’s challenges and didn’t want to stay on earth any long.

 

I remember asking God, “If you don’t want to send Dennis back to me could you please take me now too?”

 

God came across loud in my ears and heart and he said “NO!”

 

I remember that feeling and knew instantly that young woman felt the same way. I had to do something to help ease her pain.  Help her find what I have.

 

I said to myself, "what could I possibly do for anyone? No money- No job-  All I have is this farm, this land. At that moment God placed an idea in my heart that has given me a real purpose.

 

I told my mom I could use the farm as a Christian Retreat for Widows. They could experience that step "outside the box" right here in on this farm in Tennessee .

 

 Right about that time a call beeped in, and I asked mom to hold. It was my cousin in California , she felt a need in her heart to give me a call right then. She had been a widow for many years and was very supportive of the new project idea. I promised to keep her updated and clicked back over to my mom. Then another call came in this time from Michigan . It was my moms sister, who had been a widow for some time and she had felt the need to call me as well. She too supported this plan. A third conversation with a close friend in California followed- this was the Pastors wife. She had great input also. Next I  spoke to my daughter and then my best friend in Florida.  So far the support was high! On that day I took on a new job and a new boss named GOD. I changed the name of the farm from Cozy Acres Farm to "God’s" Cozy Acres.

I have a purpose for my life, a story to write, a life to share with others, I have a job and I work for God!

 

End Part V