Merry Christmas from the IRS

On April 27, 2010 the Lord put the project of God's Cozy Acres a Christian Retreat for Widows on my heart. In April 2011 by the grace of God and with the help of Charles Christiansen at SCOPE the 501(c)(3) documents were completed and submitted to the IRS.  The challenge has been to keep everyone motivated believing that this event would take place and that with God all things are possible.  We all knew that fundraisers and grants must have the letter from the IRS giving us 501(c)(3) approval.

Merry Christmas from the IRS came today in the mail with the approval of our 501(c)(3) status. I shouted "Praise the Lord" and called my mom, daughter, best friend Marty (Board member), Diane (Board Member), Vivian (Board Member), Celest, Pastor Johnson and Pastor Mark.

Now comes more paperwork, more renovation, more talks and more challenges but each step adds excitement, blessings and joy in my life

I am so excited about 2012 and the beginnings for God's Cozy Acres Christian Retreat for Widows. I am so happy to be in the Lord's service, what a blessing and joy!

Have a great day in the Lord everyone everywhere!

Moving On or Holding On

The leaves have dropped from most of the trees in this area, giving the sign of the season coming to a close. I loved the farewell party at the end of October, all the bright red, orange and yellow color waving in celebration of another segment time coming to a close. A flashback of our child years raking piles of leaves and plowing into them with a gleeful “weeeeeeee”. There was no thought of any endings then.

The few leaves remaining hold fast now as the winds of change swirl around trying to play tug-o-war. Now comes a breeze and the tug ends. A vibrant green leaf- now brown and withered- glides back and forth like a see-saw until it is gently laid to rest with others.

Portions of my past life experiences have not been so easily released, they hold on as the winds of the present yank them to and fro. There is no timeframe for letting go. I gathered some of the celebration leaves in October and placed them in a special flower press Dennis made for me. They will wait for me to visit in the future.

My heart is the special memory press the Lord has given me. This is where so many of those memories will live on- fresh and vibrant- like the day they were made.

As the snow sneaks in, like a mother laying a blanket over a child and tucking them in, so comes sleep. This is easier now but not the same. A fresh day of opportunities appears as we move along our new life path- pulling behind us a wagon of memories that we enjoy holding, like our favorite teddy bear, from time to time.

May you all have sweet loving memories in your Christmas stockings as you celebrate the reason for the season “Jesus Christ”!

Expired, Expired, Expired

Proud of the new accomplishment but disheartened to find everything needed for more creations had expired two years ago.   It was actually two years ago that my sweet husband “the chef” drove his John Deere tractor to heaven. I’m an artist not a cook, was my excuse in the past as the smoke alarm sounded on a regular basis. I invented blackened and it’s just the way I like it, charred. Well, that’s not the truth at all; it was the inevitable outcome when the cook finds standing in front of the stove boring.

 My enjoyment could be found in table cloths, dollies, candles, flowers, dishes, silverware, stemware and the placement of the finished product on the plates. It was all about the look not the preparation.  So Dennis would cook and then step back from the stove and say, “it’s all yours” and that’s the part I loved.

 For the better part of the past two years I have defrosted my refrigerator freezer (an old refrigerator) weekly; as I make frequent visits; expecting the cooking ferry to leave something special some day, but no such luck.  I have this little snowman (Hallmark) that lives in the refrigerator and it has four sayings when the light comes on, “Is it cool in here or is it just me”;”Here in the frig where it is nice and cool there is one very simple  rule once you find what you’re looking for do me a favor and shut the door”,” Hey close the door your letting out all the cold”, and “ You again I’m going to have to get a lock for that door”.  But, then this to was another voice-- besides my own, in the cottage, perhaps I wanted to hear that voice more than find something new in the refrigerator, perhaps.

 I was proud of my most recent culinary triumph the “Swiss steak” ensemble now divided in four single serving containers, living in the freezer with the quiche quarters, prepared Monday. There is hope for me, actually; like the little red steam shovel with Mike Mulligan there is always hope! Not everything is expired around here; there are some interesting changes cooking in the mind of this artist, I’d call that inspired!

PROCRASTINATION PROTECTION

I had the task to complete, but knowing the heartache it would bring I protected myself by procrastination.   I locked the tool room door, the room was not in the order he would have kept it in, due to others searching out what they needed and not replacing it accordingly.  The tornado of nondiscrimination had turned tool boxes upside down, showering nails, screws, washers, nuts, bolts, drill bits, staples, razor blades and more over the bench top.   Add to the mix some type of liquid that must have been tipped leaving a brown pool of goo that looked like maple syrup, never tempted to take a taste I recalled the container of mustard I had found earlier.  This was his work room, the carpenter’s project room where skill from years of experience made light work of intricate plans or repairs. 

We had a small Mom & Pop Construction business for a number of years, something the entire family of three worked in.   What a team, he knew how to do anything almost, the unique things I would toss in an idea and together we would come up with some great answers to customer’s needs.   The mailbox that looked like the golf home, everyone wanted that because it was special, but how to get the terracotta tile roof look on the small (not so small) mailbox was my quick idea of cutting white plastic pipe to the size, glue and paint.  It was perfect and so our projects went.   My favorite was matching the wallpaper on the light switch covers so no one could find the switch, that was my job!   Final inspection was my job, now when I walk into a new home or business I can’t believe what other professionals call finished.   But, that was a life gone now and my construction talent could never hold a candle to his work, but it will get me by in a pinch.

Early start 7:30 AM at my church- setting up for coffee hour between services, than the service 8:30 to 9:30AM, coffee 9:30 to 10:00 AM Bible study 10:00 to 11:00 am.   Make one stop on the way home to pick up last minute soda, arrive at home and make a snack for myself, check on everything being ready for volunteers.   The volunteer youth group from the Lenoir City Church had arrived, with energy only the young can claim which was evident as the line formed and boxes flowed from the work room on to tables set up in the front room.   Well there was some laughing and a few, ”woops sorry” comments, only one light finger tip cut , singing with the radio (station of their choice) and no problems.  They made short work of clearing the entire room making tool identification much easier.   With some hot dogs, chips and soda the job was done, to that degree.   They took a great amount of unused energy back with them, wow I don’t remember but I can only guess we were like that at 11, 15, and 17 too.

With that job done to a degree, I did a quick change to meet friends at a concert that would bring me home after 10:00 PM much too late to do any more work on the tools.  I pushed the reality out of my mind and had a great time with other widow friends.  As I drove up the driveway I saw the retreats center (a large monitor barn) and knew that I would have to start the rest of the job Monday.  I went in the cottage, was greeted by Tiger, Jazzy and Cuddles (two cats and a dog) everyone had a treat and a movie was slipped into the DVD player for noise as I prepared for bed.  My prayers included a plea that I may have the strength to do the job that needed to be done, I knew it would hurt, I pulled up the covers, felt a heavy pounce on the end of the bed where Tiger would spend the night and went to sleep.

I knew the task may cause heartache and tears, but I  had courage once again to move forward in my life- with God at my side!

ANOTHER STORM

 

An anxious dog is an early sign of another storm. The low distant rumble requires a hike to the ridge for a view of the horizon. Dark ominous clouds hover over the hills and the essence of light appears like a flash light under a blanket, going off and on. It’s time to secure the outside furniture, close windows in the cottage and the truck, find the calming pills for the anxious dog and try to get the weather update on the computer.  A glance at the phone jack brings memories of two previous lightning strikes that drove a charge down the underground phone line like a speeding train heading for a cottage wall. A loud bang rang inside when the charge hit the line going into the cottage; sparks flew from the wall leaving a burn stain on the cord, a destroyed modem and a fried phone. I will pull the phone cord from the jack before nature can destroy again, lesson learned.

The cooling breeze is a welcome sign the storm is now closer so I gather my book, water and treats and snuggle into my papasan chair to read as an anxious dog tries to join me. Dennis would say be still and observe nature, it’s so wonderful.  I feel a bit of a chill as the winds move with more gusto and the tree branches turn into big fans waving like a church bulletin on a hot day.  Light tapping noises begin, slow but steady and I glance at the phone cord now removed from the wall, we are ready for the storm. Winds increase a bit, the tapping gets louder on the metal roof and the dog is considering my lap as her new destination. The sound increases, this is not dancing squirrels dropping a few nuts; or June bugs hopping on the roof; this is a loud drum beat picking up speed along with the panting of my dog.  Water cascades off the metal roof like Niagara Falls and the noise level picks up like the drums of the marching bands or a machine gun; we now have hale.  Oh my no birds or squirrels can be safe; hale is shooting off the roof with such force and bouncing a number of times when it hits the ground.  I expect to see birds and squirrels lying on the ground, shot by projectiles of hale, but only the hale gathers on the ground now. I don’t have any reason to step out in this weather, God watered the garden today.

I have the urge to crawl into bed, pull up a soft blanket, close my eyes and listen to the hypnotic tapping on the roof, yep that sounds good! Dennis loved the metal roof too! This is just another storm and it will pass.

I thank God for answering our prayers again; sending the rain we needed and cooling everything for a little while.  

THE BEST DAY I'VE HAD IN A LONG TIME

We pray for guidance, faith and wisdom as progress is made on the buildings and grounds at God's Cozy Acres and we look to the Lord for a response to let us know we are on the right track.

My mentor said use what you have until you raise the funds to complete what else you need. Sounds like a plan, the small cottage is renamed "the caretakers cottage" and since it now has a porch that is covered and screened widows meet on the porch with fans blowing every Saturday 9 to 12. Our present goal is to meet the needs as they are presented and this we prayerfully accomplish with the help of the Lord. The first group of women were so inspired by the beauty only God could provide they said, "This was the best day I've had in a long time". One wanted to just stay.

We prayed a prayer to live life more fully in July and shared a portion of Joyce Rupp's book "May I have this dance". Some widows would like to see more of the beauty God has given to us in Tennessee, but feel it is to much to accomplish alone. On the 9th of July we collected our selves along with picnic goodies and drove a small caravan to Cades Cove. As a driver of one vehicle I smiled and praised the Lord for the joy expressed all the way out and all the way back.  Oooo look at that... Oh my how wonderful... look there I think I saw a deer...Oh isn’t this great! We did walk hand in hand lovingly supporting each other, thanking the Lord all the way all the day long. At the end of the day  we went our separate ways and the voices raised again saying, "This was the best day I've had in a long time"!

We missed two from our group due to serious health issues and used our Saturday gathering to lift our sisters up for healing. We each made a get well card to lift  spirits and show the love of Christ for these women. In this project we felt the joy of accomplishment for a task some had not done before and our hearts were lifted once again as we gathered together.  Plans were made for another trip.

August 6 the carpool left early in the morning for Clingmans Dome, with a quick stop at McDonald's for the breakfast of champions. Janette was so glad to be well again (she thought she was going to die in the hospital a number of days ago) and she was popping around like a teenager, not bad for someone well into her years. The overall sounds were of excitement and joy which were carried the entire 11 hours that day. We all praised the Lord for the beauty we saw, the protection from the sun by an overcast day and the absence of the predicted rainfall. We enjoyed a lunch in a picnic area in the mountains by a rushing stream, headed back towards Gatlinburg. We did stop at the moonshine sample counter, and laughed like kids out without adult supervision. We walked hand in hand sometimes blocking the sidewalks and laughing all the way. One more request was met when we stopped for ice cream, yum lots of smiles here. The last quick stop, my request; was a lovely store with table cloths and lace (all about ladies here). I remembered the gatherings we had in our Florida home with friends and family. Dennis cooked a great meal, I decorated everything with lace table cloths and wonderful china, the atmosphere was full of joy and laughter---what a great memory. The day ended with the same words as before "This was the best day I've had in a long time".

I thank the Lord for allowing me to be a small part of these women's lives as we walk on our new paths and I certainly thank God for Ava's driving on this last trip.  

IF AN OLD WOMAN FALLS IN THE WOODS DOES ANYONE HEAR?

If an old woman falls in the woods does anyone here? God hears and knows because He is always with us.  Enthusiasm can be good in moderation however common sense needs to be engaged before your run into a brick wall or as in my case one step.  That one step was perhaps an answer to a prayer, not at all the expected reply but a reply that worked quite well, I’m afraid. Perhaps jumping out of bed at 5AM was not a bad start, adding glasses was a good move too, grabbing the cell  phone still no problem, now wait here comes the good part. If you were following the last sentence you would have seen the part they call “foreshadowing” in the movies, that was the “jumping out of bed” ever done that and stayed upright? Still not quite awake, heading out side to the porch, down two stairs, stager up into the driveway, (the only place you get a signal in the country), I focused on calling mother. So far so good, however the brain was not ready for more than the normal morning walk to the bathroom. Trying to meet the 5am calling deadline the normal activities were missed, the plot thickens.   What a good daughter-- I made the requested call at the right time on the cell phone –since we have the same cell phone company it’s FREE.  Oops, my normal schedule was being overlooked and there was a need to end the call and rush back into the cottage. 

Imagine a moderately old woman moving at a good clip with a serious goal in mind, focused on the door not the stairs, we have gone up them hundreds of times, lift the foot and oh my gosh you missed, are you kidding me?  The foot, or the big toe nail to be exact didn’t make the follow through and gravity pulled me down like a ball player sliding into home plate. Since speaking to myself is normal for me I stated the obvious, “this is not good” and started a full system diagnose. Glasses did not break, check, cell phone still in hand, check, can move extremities, check, and red leakage yep --from that one irresponsible toe that caused this entire problem, I get to my feet and realize there was another challenge which required a change of clothes. Perhaps it’s a good thing there was no one to hear or see me fall on the cottage porch in the middle of the woods.

God has given us free will to do smart things and not so smart things as learning tools to accomplish the bigger program in our life. I had prayed for help to accomplish the paperwork stacking on my desk, which I keep putting off in exchange for more exciting things like pulling weeds or running the mower or sorting through things to give away or a little construction work, or reading a book.  Well, my attention was focused on my paperwork now.  I did finally realize that I could have used the house phone to call my mother and not go outside at all since it was before 6AM. Have you ever done something without thinking it out all the way?  I have slowed up on that kind of thinking, at least for now. 

Did I get the paperwork done you ask, well of course I did and from sitting for a couple weeks I managed to eat everything in the refrigerator and cupboards, or so it seemed.  This entire scenario also brought a more serious thought to mind, what of other widows who may not be a tower of strength, what if? My conversation with other widows did find the story I knew I would hear and it wasn’t good. A fall, is never good for any one of any age but a frail senior, alone could lose her life.  I’m sure you know of or you have been told of a senior who fell and suffered injuries.  I know my heart reached out to my husband at that moment, he was always there for me, and then I reached out to God and said thank you for the blessings of being able to move, get up and care for myself. Friends should call in the morning and night just checking on each other, just in case!

I was inspired to write this prayer:

As we walk with you today Lord help us keep our eyes on the cross, knowing we are never alone. You are at our side and have a plan for our future. In the same way we ask for wisdom and faith as we lovingly support our sisters, walking hand in hand on our new life path. We lift each other up to you Lord thanking you for your blessings today and always. We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.  Amen

If an old woman falls in the woods God knows and hears.

Thank you Jesus!

May 22, 20o11 Moving on with memories

On the farm we can wipe out years of our lives with one match and so I have done. The flames- about 4 feet high with orange-ish yellow arms reached for the trees and now mirror the bright orange on their leaves. My mind reached back when Dennis would call for us to present everything we wanted to burn. It was time; the rain had prepared a safe environment for this job. So, began the task of removing more of my history, my past life,  charges of special events; the theater or dinner, electric bills; tax returns; insurance statements-medical needs, he kept good records and now they are fueling the dancing flames; like some ancient ritual.

Going through boxes from the attic I try to sneak up on things so as not to dwell in any area to long. “Get ur done,” rings in my mind over and over. Concentrate on the task at hand; no time to spare, make the decision to keep or let go. Then I discover the undecided location again. The task is repeated and then abandoned for a while. When the urgency returns a mad dash to make the decisions and complete the project pushing forward with the unwanted, but necessary task.

There are 7 medium boxes pushed back into the attic. Two (can you believe it) contain craft magazines I could NOT bring myself to let go of. Silly as it may seem they bring me joy…memories of teaching children crafts, or projects with friends =  all happy times. Then there were more of “His” things…my mind rushes to watch him loading the box with belongings that were important. What was on his mind as we packed things away (knowing we would be back to continue our life in the future)?

With the task complete, long tables were folded and leaned against the wall, floor swept, and supplies checked for the painting task tomorrow and the words “job well done” came to my mind. I did it!

A month long review of 70 boxes brought me another step forward into my new life, another door gingerly closed to my past, but not forgotten.

I move ahead, not alone, but with God and a purpose He has given me.

Now with joy in my heart, God at my side and volunteers ready we prepare this place, God’s Cozy Acres, so others can, by the grace of God find direction and hope.

Job well done.

May 15, 2011 "You Can NOT Do It Alone"!

We did it, so why can’t I do it? It worked before…I’m not a wimp…and this can be done! I set my mind to it and I moved forward to raise chickens again. Easy enough, we did it before. The second phase cage was old, homemade, heavy and awkward even with the John Deere (tractor). With my can-do attitude I managed to pull ALL the muscles in my body until I got the stupid cage near the cottage.  I knew I had over stepped my physical capabilities by a factor of 1000 or more. So, no big deal I just won’t do anything tomorrow, that’s because I am too sore to move. I am sure I would never ask anyone else to do that alone, but I won’t ask for help either.  Why not? you ask, because I don’t want to become a burden to anyone, I’m not old and frail; I’m healthy and strong-like-ox (insert manly grunt here). Boy, can I stretch the truth here or what? My mind is talking not my body. I hurt again just typing this out. Lesson not yet learned.

Here is the visual…picture this: Blocks need to go under this cage which is about 50#s or 70#s about 6 feet long and perhaps 3 feet Deep and high. OK no problem, I got metal chair and a heavy shovel, tip the chair use it for leverage and the shovel picks up the cage. Great job! Now I can hold that cage up and all I need is another person to put the block under the cage. There is no way I can be 2 people. I argue with myself on how I can do this job. There was no easy way it was going to happen, I was going to get hurt again and I knew it. So I tossed the chair and shovel aside and lifted the cage with my right arm and struggled to pull the 30# block under the corner with my left hand. This was yet another lesson for this stupid stubborn moron who refused to ask for help. Will I forgive myself, yes and I will take day off again.  I am just a little hard on myself and I have to eventually stop that or God will allow me to do something really harmful and I will be forced to wait for help. You know I don’t want that! So, I will try…no not really…not yet I won’t.

The chickens are getting big and I tried to build a nesting box group, which ended up being too heavy. My construction skills and physical strength were too limited to complete the task successfully.  There I was holding a massive, oversized nesting box trying to get legs under it. Again, I needed more carpentry skills than I had…and two more hands.

We had chickens in this donkey barn before and they were just fine so I got three chickens (from the original 6) and brought them to the new home with lots of space. By morning I had 1 ¾ chickens left.  Looks like I forgot one big thing, the donkeys kept other animals out of the barn so the chickens were safe then. But the donkeys are gone now and a weasel ate one chicken and took the entire wing from another. Guilt filled my heart now—I was at fault for this pain. I wouldn’t ask for help and animals had to suffer. Did I finally learn my lesson? Yes.

Now I have a chicken with one wing and a prayer. She is alive and doing well considering one wing is gone. Is this chicken me? She made it through some unexpected terrible circumstances, she is alive, but a portion of her is missing; and always will be, there will be no flying, there will be a new life path. I guess we will see what happens to my chicken as I decide what to call her and her friend. With a review of the situation and the sound of a crow I guess we have a Lucky and Lucy combination here.

GOD USES EACH OF US TO COMPLETE HIS PLAN

 

April 18, 2011 another busy day on God’s Cozy Acres, but I had to leave for a dentist appointment and a visit to the post office; my conversation on the way home, to myself, was about so much to do and where to start-- garden, sorting give always or work on the deck screen project. I had a pile of cloths in the big kitchen at the retreat center and they needed to be taken to Madisonville to Branches, a wonderful charitable organization started by a woman who saw a need, but I really didn’t want to leave the farm again, so much to do. Then the voice in my heart said I must go now, how interesting, I loaded up the cloths, called the dog to ride along; which is never a problem, and we were on our way. It is a lovely ride and it was a favorite direction to the mountains for us, in the past; so this was a worth wild venture for my own soul. They always bring joy to my heart looking their blue outline on the horizon as I head towards my destination. It doesn’t hurt so much going this way now-- I have placed those memories in the fond low ache section of my heart --where the tugs are normal.

Well, we arrive at Branches and I find my parking site in this little town; just down the street from my destination across from Donnas’ café—another memory from Sundays past now tugs at my heart, but it’s ok; it’s normal now.  A warm welcome with a hug from Joyce as we greet and quickly catch up since our last meeting- her church- my first speaking engagement April 3, 2011—who could forget! “I want you to meet the girls in the prayer group” Joyce said, knowing I could use all the extra prayers out there. Just a few more moments of catch up and prayers were done, the young lady who knew the need and started Branches of Madisonville came into the main lobby and greeted me and asked how I was, my usual reply “ I’m wonderful” because I truly am!

Joyce urged me into the next room and introduced me to the two girls Barbara and Cheri. “I wanted you to meet Maryanne, “Joyce said and urged me to tell my story.  I started as usual with my knowing that God has a plan for each of us before we are born and I can see things from my past that were not all pleasant but would enable me to say, “I have walked in those shoes and I understand.” To that I added that my husband had driven his John Deere Tractor to heaven April 29, 2009. Carol said, “Oh that was in a magazine, I remember reading that!” no Barbara said, it was in a news paper, I remember reading that.” I don’t think so,” I said. Then Joyce said, “I gave you girls Maryanne’s article; left with me when she spoke at my church.” Cheri and Barbara chimed together in agreement. I passed Barbara my card with a picture of the farm on one side and she looked at me and said, “Oh my we need this!”

Barbara repeated happenings from church just the day before, Palm Sunday, a stranger in the pew, the only area open to sit right then was next to her, the church singer who sang Amazing Grace- the tears that flowed from the eyes of the stranger followed by an apology for crying. The explanation from the new widow, her husbands passing ended with the last words of Amazing Grace on the radio. Amazing Grace was not to be performed Sunday; but the singer had a message sent to his heart at 10:00 PM Saturday night that he should sing that song on Sunday.

We all play a part in God’s plan, sometimes we see it sometimes we just ignore it as we take up with things we find more important in life, “US”!  I knew I had to meet this widow at lunch Tuesday and Barbara felt it was a good thing too.  We all become the pebble in the pond and the ripples keep rolling out further and further touching the entire pond of life and everyone in it.

With God all things are possible! I really don’t know what I will say tomorrow but I do know I understand her pain and I want to let her know she is not alone, as I am not alone, we have God with us!

What a blessing to share the Grace of our Lord!

God does have a plan

God's plan is larger than we can imagine and our part, that may seem so small to us plays a major part in every persons' future. We don't get to see the entire road map of our life, but we can see the turns we have already made in our life. We may never understand the detours, but we will use faith to keep on keeping on. I have seen a glimpse of the bigger plan God has for me and I thank him for leading me to others for guidance, spiritual support and helpful hearts and hands.

I Peter 4:10 As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

Lord of all abundance and generosity, thank You for the gifts that You have entrusted to my care. Generate in me the joy to manage and use them so that many will be blessed with the love of Christ. Amen (Portals of Prayer Jan-Mar 2011)(3/26)

The Day My World Stood Still....

The first day of the rest of my life begin September 29, 2009 when my beloved husband drove his John Deere tractor to heaven.

 

As usual he helped a neighbor around eight o’clock, drove me to the doctor around ten o’clock, ate lunch with me around noon, sat for a few minutes and then headed out about four o’clock to ride the John Deere around cutting down the fields. I heard the tractor pass by the front of the cottage just after four, then the motor noise changed and I knew it was not right. I went to the porch and looked down the road just about 10 yards where the tractor was turned into the bank and wheels spinning round and round, he sat tilted slightly to the right as if looking at something ahead. It took only a few seconds for me to realize something was very wrong and I raced to the tractor climbed the steps and took hold of his face in both hands looking into his blue eyes staring ahead.

 

I said, as I looked up pleadingly, “I know you can see me and I would really appreciate it if you would come back to me... Oh, Honey... As I held his face and looked at those blue eyes looking straight ahead I didn’t realize how my life was going to turn upside down.

 

My stepson’s truck came at that moment and he knew instinctively what was happening and said, “Oh No!”

 

My stepson tried to revive his father on the tractor until I suggested we move him to the ground. With a cast from my wrist to elbow we struggled to move this strong loving man from his John Deere as his pants pockets and hammer strap caught on the control levers. One final lift, a tug and my love was free now gently lying on the ground next to his favorite machine which was silent. As my stepson and & tried desperately to revive my love by pumping on his chest and blowing one more breath into his lungs; we prayed the Lord's Prayer and looked for a spark of life to return to those blue eyes. Looking for just a blink... just one blink... but none came.

 

I asked God, "Please return him to me." And added," I understand how hard he worked all his life and if this now was his reward to be with Him in heaven than I understand. Not happy about it, but I understand."

 

My calls to 911 and my neighbors brought disbelief,"You are joking!...I cannot believe it! They said. The ambulance turning in our driveway about four forty five or so minutes later proved that this was real. Then they came, the neighbors and friend, to stand by me, as the new people tried to find a pulse...a blink... any small sign that life was in this gentle heart still, but there was none.

 

I do not remember the ride in the ambulance to the hospital as I sat in the front with the driver. It was well after five o'clock now. We were separated for the first time in many years at the hospital. I found my church friends number and called for help, he did not believe I was serious either (Why would I joke about something so serious?), but he called the pastor for me.  

I was allowed to see my sweetie, now with eyes closed, laying on a gurney in a small room with curtains pulled around. I held his face in my hands and kissed him gently knowing that these were the last moments in my life that I would ever see and touch my love, my friend, my partner, my joy, my husband, my teacher. As others came to give support and prayers things turned to a fog as reality ceased to exist in this place, this moment. Then the time to say my final goodbye forever came and I placed one last kiss on his cold brow. I do not remember much the ride home to the cottage, as I sat in the back seat like a stranger in an unfamiliar place. I do not remember if I slept or if I was hungry. It was a bad dream; No a nightmare that I could not wake up from.

 

End part I

 

******

 

 

Life was upside down, the cottage was not finished (by a long shot),  lots of 2x4’s,  insulation, and a little dry wall waiting for hands with hammers to continue. People were calling; my daughter was heading up by car from FL, mom flying up also, my sister and her husband driving down from MI,  in-laws flying over and driving down from Northern MI & WA. The fog had not lifted in my mind, but it actually had gotten thicker and I felt my slow motion set in again. I expected to wake up from this dream any moment. I wanted that moment right now! I wanted to wake up, this was wrong... this could not happen... he was not sick... we just got home...we had so much to do...so many plans...we were not done living!

 

I sat quiet in his favorite recliner as the action around me moved slowly as a virtual movie going on all around me but I was not part of it. I could see people two or three together talking, but could not focus in on their words; they were not real to me.  The French doors were open behind me and conversations on the deck were just a background noise- nothing discernable.

 

I felt a chill as I sat in the crowd alone in his chair- at that moment the blanket laying over top of the chair blew over my shoulders.  I touched my shoulder and said," Thank you."As I turned no one was behind me.  The groups were still talking, engaged in their conversations.  I knew he was here, he did not leave me, he is here with me-  Death did not do us part!

 

End Part II

 

*********

 

 

The days that followed became a quest to find my purpose in life. My best friend, partner, sole mate, protector, teacher and true love was gone... in just a moment of time and the weight of this loss squeezed all the air from my lungs and shot a hole through my heart. I was in a state of confusion, with amazement, and bewilderment...I was frightened. I had to allow God to refill my sails and continue on. 

 

A few years back, when my sweetie had double knee replacement surgery, he went for therapy with our daughter and I was dropped at the dentist. Just the word "dentist" is terrifying to me. A simple trip to the dentist turned out to be an extraction with complications. I was alone in the chair with two people getting ready to remove this tooth that was crumbling and I was afraid. Alone, I wanted to say," STOP...CANNOT DO THIS!" I wanted my sweetie with me right there but he was not there.

 

When everything was completed I waited in the silence of the empty waiting room until the truck pulled up. I was so glad to see my sweetie and I said, " I NEVER want to be alone like that again!" It was so awful- a real nightmare with out him. Now my nightmare IS real: No waking up- No going back- It was over- just like that.

 

As I looked back on my life, I found collections of experiences that make sense to me now.  Life is school and I am constantly learning. The challenge is to take what you have learned and put a positive spin on it.   I experienced a natural event, which others in every walk of life, in every country around the world share, and it was the start of a new life path. I was directed to Psalm 16:

 

Those who have the Lord have the source of all good things, even everlasting life. We who are in Christ have been set at God’s right hand, where we can never be removed. I pray Lord, keep us in your presence throughout our early pilgrimage, that we may come to the fullness of your joy in heaven; through Jesus Christ, our resurrected Lord. Amen. (The New Lutheran Study Bible)

 

End Part III

 

 

My church family provided the blessings in the form of a group of widows called NBC: Not By Choice. I was not immediately fond of asking for help until I was more aware of my situation. Eventually, I joined this group and found I was not crazy and definitely not alone. I found, to my amazement, that I was "normal" for a widow.

 

We each have our story- all slightly different- but the end result was the same. We were now faced with a new life before us that was not our choice.  How we survive depends on how we develop our new life story. I found with God all things are possible- not easy, but possible.

 

In March 2010, I was walking around like the weight of our big red barn was on my shoulders.  Perhaps my knuckles were scratched from dragging them on the ground. At the advice of my daughter I stepped outside "the box" for three days and flew to Florida- no sense spending my birthday alone.  I wore my favorite "happy" cloths: a long sleeve brown blouse with a brown western scarf tie, blue jeans, fancy cowboy boots, beautiful leather fringe vest, and my black cowboy hat with a special band. My husband found this for me as it had crosses on it- he really knew me without trying . This was my favorite outfit for our trips to Utah .

 

From the farm in Tennessee to the sands of Florida, in those few days I was able to view my situation more clearly. I stood upright and got my nails painted. Flying home with a lighter heart, a clear mind and an “I can do it spirit”. Who cares if no one wanted to hire an older woman with to much experience? I would manage by the Grace of God! The same farm with the same challenges was still there, but I was in a better place of acceptance for this new path. I stepped outside my situation and made an assessment to get a plan.

 

End Part IV

 

   

After my return from Florida, March 2010 I was speaking to my mom on the phone, April 27, 2010. She told me of a young lady that was overwhelmed by life’s challenges and didn’t want to stay on earth any long.

 

I remember asking God, “If you don’t want to send Dennis back to me could you please take me now too?”

 

God came across loud in my ears and heart and he said “NO!”

 

I remember that feeling and knew instantly that young woman felt the same way. I had to do something to help ease her pain.  Help her find what I have.

 

I said to myself, "what could I possibly do for anyone? No money- No job-  All I have is this farm, this land. At that moment God placed an idea in my heart that has given me a real purpose.

 

I told my mom I could use the farm as a Christian Retreat for Widows. They could experience that step "outside the box" right here in on this farm in Tennessee .

 

 Right about that time a call beeped in, and I asked mom to hold. It was my cousin in California , she felt a need in her heart to give me a call right then. She had been a widow for many years and was very supportive of the new project idea. I promised to keep her updated and clicked back over to my mom. Then another call came in this time from Michigan . It was my moms sister, who had been a widow for some time and she had felt the need to call me as well. She too supported this plan. A third conversation with a close friend in California followed- this was the Pastors wife. She had great input also. Next I  spoke to my daughter and then my best friend in Florida.  So far the support was high! On that day I took on a new job and a new boss named GOD. I changed the name of the farm from Cozy Acres Farm to "God’s" Cozy Acres.

I have a purpose for my life, a story to write, a life to share with others, I have a job and I work for God!

 

End Part V